A lack of self-preservation
by writingforfun18
Summary: Hailey's had enough of Jay's lack of self-preservation and one day she tells him just that, and some more. #Upstead


Hello, first of all, thank you so much for being so kind about my previous fics. Secondly, this fic came about thanks to an amazing prompt from smokey102 on tumblr. Hope you enjoy x

* * *

"_No shooting, we need this son of a bitch alive."_

The words ring around Hailey's head as she pumps her arms harder to match the pace of her legs as she pursues said son of a bitch.

On her radio, she can hear Jay and the rest of the team who are nearing where Hailey is right now.

An alley off West 30th Street, trash cans and cars either side of her and this guy, this guy they've been pursuing for too long.

This guy who's been responsible for teenagers dying. Every day that's passed by where they've not caught him or the guy's partner has quite literally meant another teenager has been found dead.

There's another missing, Farrelly holds the key, they all know that. It has to stop. Has to end. Hailey _will_ make it end and she increases her pace to ensure it happens.

All those years of long-distance running, the stamina needed to maintain a consistent pace, adjusting it to a higher tempo if she needs it paying off as she nears him.

She calls his name, shouting at him to stop when he suddenly slows and diverts to the left, one of the backyards along this alley, the crash of the gate loud as it slams behind him.

Hailey speaks quickly into her radio, "5021 Henry, still in the alley, offender last seen diverting into the backyard, 3025 South Albany," then she lifts her gun higher as she nears the backyard, Farrelly, out of sight.

"Chicago PD, Farrelly, do NOT move." She shouts as she approaches the gate to the yard.

Farrelly is nowhere to be seen, though it's impossible to see properly as the yard is obscured by corrugated metal attached to the fencing, and she repeats her warning as she pushes the gate open.

Then everything happens at once, she doesn't see Farrelly until the last moment, crouched down to the side of the gate as she steps into the yard then a leg kicks at her hand and the gun knocking it away from Hailey far enough that she can't see it and even if she could, she doesn't have time to think as Farrelly strikes out at her.

She grunts as she blocks the hit, then kicks out at him, all the training she's ever done coming back to her like every time she's needed to remember.

Then an arm wraps around her, she can feel his hot breath on her neck, the sound of his heavy breathing, the size of his arm huge compared to her own but he's complacent is Farrelly, probably thinks she's a soft touch.

His arm doesn't loosen the first time Hailey throws the elbow that's on her free arm backward, it takes three more attempts when her vision is starting to swim and the sound around her feels off.

On the fourth attempt, his arm loosens and she hears a grunt then she raises her elbow higher, feels and hears the crunch as it connects with flesh and bone and Farrelly cries out and releases his hold on Hailey.

She whirls around to see Farrelly clutching his nose and wheeling away from her and it affords her enough time to look for her gun which she can see clearly now.

She doesn't really take her eyes away from him at all, it's maybe a second or two at most that her full attention isn't on him but suddenly the world is upside down as her legs are swept from under her and she's lying on the ground staring up at the guy breathing heavily, winded as the reality of her body connecting with the tarmac of the yard takes it toll and she tries to move but it's harder than it should be and she shuts her eyes as she sees him hold the baseball bat.

And all the while in her mind all she can think of is "Where the hell is Jay?"

* * *

"_5021 Henry, still in the alley, offender last seen diverting into the backyard, 3025 South Albany."_

There's been nothing heard from Hailey since as Jay runs towards her last known.

Nowhere in this city is quiet but as he approaches the backyard, as he approaches the gate taking in the corrugated metal and the complete absence of noise beyond it, the hairs on his arms stand on end and he swallows.

He raises his gun higher as he presses his ear against the fencing, hoping to hear some sign Hailey's okay and Farrelly's down.

There's nothing until a couple of seconds later when he hears footsteps. Not Hailey's, he knows they aren't Hailey's, they're too heavy.

He listens for maybe one second more, just in case and then whispers into his radio.

"5021 George, I'm going in, going dark."

He kicks the gate open, sees Farrelly immediately standing over Hailey as she lies prone on the ground. Not only that Farrelly's holding a baseball bat which he looks ready to swing,

Maybe Farrelly hears him, maybe he's so wired and amped by the steroids they know he's addicted to that he doesn't even care that Jay's there.

Jay cares though, Jay cares that Hailey, though he can see the movement of her chest as she breathes in and out and though she's clearly aware of what's going on, is too winded at best to move quickly enough out of Farrelly and the bat's way.

There's no question in Jay's mind of what to do next as he rushes toward Hailey, reaching out with one arm too to push out at Farrelly and the bat, trying to soften what he knows will be a heavy blow should the man go through with what's clearly his intent.

Jay's not unfamiliar with the weight of a heavy object like a bat, it's happened in this city and far far away beyond this city, he's aware of what it does to a human body, _his _human body for that matter.

Nevertheless, it still takes him and his body by surprise and there's a blinding flash of pain that steals all the breath from him as he falls away from Hailey.

And into the black of unconsciousness.

* * *

"Thanks, Sarge, at least we got him and he's pretty much without a scratch right?" Hailey listens to Voight at the other end of the line as she leans against the counter that's facing the room where Jay's lying on the gurney, complaining loudly as the doctor and nurses treat him.

Very much _with_ a scratch.

Watching him, at once feeling sorry for him, understanding that his rudeness right now, his belligerence, is borne of fear mostly. Then he takes a sharp breath and Hailey's attention is diverted to the scar that's still healing.

The bullet wound.

When his pleading eyes meet hers, she quickly averts them away and suddenly she's angry again. Furious actually.

Hailey turns her attention back to the phone call and manages to finish it without it seeming like she only half-listened. She pockets her cell and blows out a breath. She's sore in pretty much every part of her body. Sore but no lasting damage, bruises no doubt will start appearing all over her body by the morning but _she _didn't feel the force of a baseball against her chest.

Would've had it not been for Jay. The idiot.

She looks back towards where Jay is then, concern outweighing anger, sees the way his breaths are sharp and short and the lines across his forehead that betray his attempts to look like he's not in pain.

Dr. Choi is saying something to Jay and at first, he argues, he even looks towards Hailey, looking for some kind of moral support, some way out of whatever Choi is saying.

Hailey takes a step forward, feels that familiar surge of affection. feels that familiar desire to support him but then she feels that familiar anxiety and the fear once again that she'd had the moment the bat had struck him and he'd lost consciousness and she immediately takes a step back.

Jay's face falls and despite her attempts not to look, she notices the way his shoulders slump and he nods at Choi, resignation written all over his face.

Then Choi walks out of the room and at Hailey's quizzical expression says, "We're keeping him overnight, just to make sure there are no complications, also for losing consciousness too."

Hailey murmurs her thanks.

She realizes she wants to feel sorry for Jay. Correction: she _does_ feel sorry for him but she's also so mad at him and she shouldn't take the step forward that she does, she should walk away, get some fresh air and come back when what's about to happen is less certain to happen.

When the fire's simmered on her emotions.

"Could've done with your support to try and get out of staying here overnight."

His tone is only clipped and annoyed sounding because he's in pain. Hailey knows this, can see now that she's closer to him how pale he is, how his lips are pale too and how hard it seems for him to be breathing.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have done something so stupid earlier and then you wouldn't be needing to stay overnight." Her tone is harsher than she intended, or at least she thinks it is.

The way Jay's jaw pretty much drops isn't as satisfying as it could've been because a second later, he coughs and the sharp intake of breath is unsettling at best, frightening at worst.

He takes a moment, gathering himself and then raises his eyes to meet Hailey's.

"That's a really funny way to say 'thanks Jay for saving my life'."

"Why would I thank you for making such a dumbass move when you could have shot him and you wouldn't have ended up here?"

"Shot him? Voight specifically said not to shoot hi-."

"Not shoot to kill, you know damn well that's what he meant Jay. Shoot to disable, shoot to get that baseball bat out of his hand and us both out of harm's way, like Rojas did the moment she arrived less than ten seconds after you pulled that crazy stunt."

"What the hell?"

Jay's look of confusion would almost be funny if it didn't fuel her anger more.

"You are, despite what you claim otherwise, still recovering from a gunshot wound that hasn't even had the chance to properly fade yet, Jay, you can't keep doing this crap, really you can't."

"Hailey, I'm lost, what the hell does me getting shot have to do with any of this?. I did what I did on impulse, having judged the risks at that moment and the _biggest _risk was that baseball connecting with your chest or even worse your head and had I missed with that gun then I wouldn't have been able to stop it, you would be dead, _dead_, Hailey so that's why I did it, okay?"

Truth is on one level Hailey gets it, she'd accept it with anyone else. Adam, Vanessa, Kev, Kim, Voight, whoever and it's not as though Jay has a monopoly on getting hurt in Intelligence.

So what is it? What is it about now that has Hailey wanting to yell at him one second and the next, like now, want to take his hand, gently sweep the hair back and away from his forehead and kiss it to reassure him she's there and he's still a dumbass but she loves him.

That's the difference. Right there. She shakes her head, a tiny laugh escaping her and Jay really does look confused now.

"Oh Jay, why did I have to fall in love with you when you have no self-preservation instincts at all?"

If Hailey thought Jay looked confused before, she was wrong. If Hailey thought Jay's jaw had dropped as far as it was possible for a jaw to drop earlier, she was also very wrong.

"What?"

"Sorry, what?" she replies, matching his confusion because wait, what, she said that out loud?

"Fall in love with me?" Jay questions.

Hailey has two options now. Walk or talk. She settles for both.

"I'll go get Will," she says without a second glance toward Jay and without another look back as she leaves the room, the ED and pulls out her cell as she does, selects Will's name from her contacts, presses the button and hears a voice answer immediately, "Hey Will."

Make that the two of them doing very stupid rash things today then.

* * *

Jay's discharged the following morning with strict instructions to rest. He even abides by them all day, takes his meds on time, just sits in front of the TV trying to find a way to get comfortable, trying not to breathe too hard. Trying not to think too hard either.

He fails abysmally.

He holds the cell in his hand, hovering over the call button multiple times but every single time he shakes his head and puts it down next to him.

It's all fine until he gets a text from Adam who's at Molly's and checking Jay's okay. Everyone follows suit within the space of thirty minutes. Everyone except her and Jay feels like he's Einstein trying to fathom some mathematical equation when in reality he's only trying to figure out Hailey.

Which is completely nonsensical cause what _is_ there to figure out? He heard it from her mouth so what else?

He's not even sure why he's asking himself the question because he knows 'what else?'. The 'what else?' is simply himself and he should take time to think it through, right?

Could and maybe should talk to Will about it. Except no, because last time he _really _talked about his love life to Will, he'd ended up having to give the engagement ring back to him.

He's up and picking up his jacket, his movements slower because of his ribs but no less determined, and ordering a cab before he can even think about it, never mind stop himself and then he's outside the apartment, pressing the buzzer before he realizes that he's not even worried if this is a bad idea or not.

Rash? Perhaps yes but a bad idea? No.

The door opens and belatedly he remembers that it could've been Vanessa opening it and even if it's not, she _could_ be here but it's just Hailey and he hears no sign of anyone else.

Hailey frowns but there's no anger, just concern as she reaches a hand out toward Jay.

"What the hell Jay, it's late, you should be at home resting."

Jay's attention focuses on the way her arm lightly brushes against the arm of his jacket and he smiles slightly before he looks back up at her.

"Someone left without saying goodbye and on a bit of a bombshell," he replies with as much lightness in his tone as he can, a tentative smile playing on his lips.

He expects her hand to lift away. In his imagination and scenario planning in the cab over here, one of the outcomes was that she'd shake her head and tell him 'not now Jay,' and she'd shut the door on him.

Or other variations that would end up with him turning right back around and slowly making his way back to another hastily ordered cab.

Instead, she returns his smile, then lifts her arm away but only to pull the door open wider and says, "You'd better come in."

* * *

Hailey knew he'd come over, just maybe not tonight. Actually, scratch that, knowing Jay because she _does_ know Jay, it's not a surprise he's here tonight. They exchange pleasantries while she gets the drinks, reassuring him that she's fine while he dodges the subject of his own health.

Now he's sat on the couch his face not quite as pinched or white as it had been at the hospital but it's clear he's uncomfortable, just physically though Hailey thinks.

Jay seems relaxed otherwise, smiling at her as she hands him the glass of juice, not alcohol because he's on the strong meds for his ribs.

"Farrelly admitted anything yet?" Jay asks.

Hailey nods as she sits down on the chair across from him, "Yep, didn't take too much of the Voight brand of special persuasion," then with a flash of a smile, she adds, "And maybe some of my own too."

"Oh yeah?" Jay grins.

"Yeah."

"They find the kid, the Draper kid?" Jay asks his voice tighter suddenly with apprehension.

Hailey's quick to reassure, "Yeah, he's good, he's in the hospital but he's gonna be fine."

Jay lets out a breath, flinches a little as he does, his hand reaching for his chest but smiles and nods, relief clear on his face.

They sit in silence, companionable and comfortable silence. A silence that Hailey thought would be loaded with more than it is, loaded though it certainly is but not in a bad way as she takes a sip of the gin she'd poured out for this exact moment and then with an internal 3-2-1 countdown, she nods.

"I owe you an explanation."

Jay shakes his head, "No, you don't. I figured it's my turn."

Hailey nods once more but this time signaling Jay to continue. Jay who looks suddenly a little nervous.

"There's not many people in my life who've made me feel safe. Correction, I mean there's been plenty in the work sense who have but personally, you know?"

Jay takes a sip of the drink and then a deep breath, forgetting for a moment about his injury and he pales, presses his eyelids shut and slowly inhales and then exhales to steady himself, his hands gripping onto the glass before he continues.

"The people in my life who I've trusted, that I felt safe with, they all eventually left. Sometimes I figure it's only a matter of time till Will leaves again. It makes it hard to trust, makes it hard to _feel_ more or allow myself to feel more and then you came along with your special ways of breaking me down, lowering my walls even when I wanted to build them so high that they'd never come down again."

Hailey just listens, doesn't trust herself to speak right now, a small nod of encouragement all she feels able to offer without throwing Jay off.

"You know when you almost said something in the hospital after I got shot, I think I knew then. I think I'd known for the longest time but saying it out loud, it doesn't usually turn out well for the Halsteads."

He smiles a small sad kind of smile that has Hailey reciprocating albeit with a gentle smile, as warm a smile as she can summon.

"Then yesterday came," Jay pauses and glances at his watch and amends his last word, "Or the day before yesterday now and yo know I _do _have self-preservation, it's what's kept me single for all this time after all but then when I thought about it and asked myself well, why if I have self-preservation did I not shoot? Why didn't I take a minute? The answer was pretty obvious when I thought about it."

"It was?"

"Yeah," Jay looks away from Hailey, looks at the floor, a smile on his face all the while though as he does, "You see when you're faced with a life or death decision like that, a choice between what _should_ work and what_ will_ work and when it's the person that you love, I mean _really_ love, well it's not a choice at all, it's instinct and you just act at that moment and I don't have regrets even if my ribs hate me and when I realized that, that's when I realized I'd known all along that I love you, Hailey."

Jay's eyes look away from the floor, his gaze lifting upwards, meeting Hailey's with a shy soft smile, his eyes though, the way he then chews at his bottom lip tells Hailey all she needs to know about what it took for Jay to say it all.

It's that and Hailey's stomach which are the things that tell her she didn't just imagine the last couple of minutes. It's that that has her standing up and moving next to Jay on the couch, has her taking a breath and then another before she nods one final time, a countdown in her head 1-2-3 this time.

"I love yo-."

Jay's lips press lightly against hers interrupting her before he pulls away, an apologetic smile on his face.

"Couldn't help it, sorry."

She waves his apology away, after all, why's he apologizing for a kiss? Still, she still wants to say it.

"I love you Ja-."

The kiss is more lingering this time, this time she shuts her eyes as he does it, this time she smells the cologne he's worn for all these years that sometimes in a store in the cologne section where she'd smell it, she'd linger a little longer.

And this time when he pulls away, she shakes her head.

"You just look particularly cute when you say that thing."

"What thing Jay?" Hailey asks.

"That you love me," he hesitates for all of a second but it's a long second in which Hailey thinks maybe she misjudged the situation, misjudged quite how in tune they are with each other.

Then he smiles, nods and adds, "It's funny cause I love yo-."

She cups the back of his neck and presses her lips against his interrupting him and maybe it's five seconds or maybe it's thirty, it doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters is that when she pulls away, she sees the way he smiles, sees the way it reaches his eyes this time, the way the corners of his eyes crinkle and she knows she's a mirror image of him right now.

That and the fact that this moment, it's just a voicing of everything she's felt for so long and so it seems for him too.

Thank goodness for rash moments and lack of self-preservation moments perhaps, at least like this anyway, right?


End file.
